 | Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. |
| Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic
teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;
"France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." |
| Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians. |
| Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots |
| Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her. |
| War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux. |
| The Dutch War - Tied |
| War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. |
| War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. |
| American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and
leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
America does most of the fighting." |
| French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French. |
| The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer. |
| The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy
to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. |
| World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline. |
| World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. |
| War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu |
| Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. |
| War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. |
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until
France collapses?"
4 August 2004 update - Peter Kegent reminds me that even the Belgians have
scored a win over the French. He writes: "In 1302, a band of Flemish
citizens defeated the French king's army near Kortrijk during what later became
known as the Battle of the Golden Spurs. The date of that battle, July 11,
is now celebrated as the National Holiday of the Community of Flanders."
However, iGreens are not biased so, in the interest of balance, click here
to read the French version of events.
